Alternative Oscar Categories

Well, the Oscars are finally tomorow, but after months of hearing about Daniel Day-Lewis's method acting and Hugh Jackman's singing, aren't you a bit tired of it all by now? Unless someone spiked the Academy's drinks while they were voting and they decide that Silver Linings Playbook deserves best film and the whole night descends into chaos, (I pray that somewhere, in an alternate universe this happens.) there will be few surprises tomorrow night. Therefore we've taken it upon ourselves to think up some alternative categories that would definitely liven up the night.

(Winners in bold)

Worst Wig
Tommy Lee Jones - Lincoln
Javier Bardem - Skyfall
Ben Whishaw - Cloud Atlas

This really was a tough category, and, might I add, possibly my favourite. It truly amazes me that in the same year as such incredible make-up moments such as making Joseph Gordon-Levitt look like Bruce Willis, and making Anthony Hopkins look convincingly fat, actors are still forced to wear shocking headpieces for months on end. While Javier Bardem's blonde disaster may have been of his own choosing, Lee Jones was stuck in this nightmare as he was playing a real character. Poor guy. No wonder he constantly looks so pissed-off at awards ceremonies.

Worst Accent
Quentin Tarantino - Django Unchained
Tom Hanks - Cloud Atlas
Sam Rockwell - Seven Psychopaths

Quentin Tarantino is the scariest looking man in Hollywood. (Steve Bushemi is, in my opinion, a close second) This can be proved by the fact that, as I write this, I am using my hand to cover up his photo. Therefore it seems a little cruel that, not only does he decide to put himself in his latest picture, but he decides to do the worst Australian accent of all-time ever. What's ironic is that he - along with fellow nominee Tom Hanks for his dreadful attempt at being Irish - clearly thinks that he's really nailing it. Eeesh. Unlike Tarantino and Hanks, Sam Rockwell's impression of Colin Farrell is deliberately ropey (as seen at 04.06 here) but deserves recognition for being incredibly hilarious.

Most Tearful
Anne Hathaway - Les Miserables
Literally everyone in Les Miserables
Quvenzhane Wallis - Beasts of the Southern Wild

I'm going to imagine here that the reason why Anne Hathaway has won this award does not really need explaining but, just in case you haven't seen this film or are an idiot, I will briefly explain why - all she does is cry. In a very good and Oscar-worthy way, mind you, but nevertheless, half of her performance is crying, and the other half is singing. As, hence their nomination, is the case for pretty much everyone else in Les Mis. And if you've seen Beasts, then you will undoubtedly understand why adorable little Quvenzhane is tearful, and you will probably be welling up yourself just thinking about a certain scene. (I know I am.)

Worst Disguise
Russell Crowe - Les Miserables
The American hostages in Argo

RUSSELL, YOU'VE JUST GOT A CAP ON, WE STILL KNOW EXACTLY WHO YOU ARE! YOU'RE FOOLING NOBODY RUSSELL. Yet another of my many criticisms of Les Miserables - How does it take everyone a good twenty minutes to work out that their new buddy is just Javert in a cap? The audience worked it out in about a second because it is THE WORST DISGUISE EVER. And the same goes for Argo, the mind boggles at how hostages can suddenly escape Iran just by styling their hair differently and saying they're making a film. 

Best Beard 
Jason Segel - Five Year Engagement
Christoph Waltz - Django Unchained
Ben Affleck - Argo

Who doesn't appreciate a good beard? They can range from being a good way to add humour into a film (see above) or a way of making someone even more attractive than you ever thought possible (see George Clooney at the BAFTAs.) While Waltz and Affleck's facial decoration is kept pretty standard, Segel's is just plain biazarre. It certainly looks like no beard I have ever seen before, and this is what truly makes it so beautiful. Plus, and whether this is intentional or not, I have no idea, it looks so fake. But I think that just makes it all the more ridiculous. On a side note may I add that Waltz is the only actor here that uses his beard as a prop - several scenes in Django actually feature him stroking it/smoothing it down. But alas, there is no award for beard-stroking.


Best Bromance
Freddie Quell and Lancaster Dodd - The Master
Django and Dr. King Schutlz - Django Unchained
Marty Faranan, Billy Bickle and Hans Kielowski - Seven Psychopaths
Frank and Robot - Robot and Frank
Driss and Phillipe - The Intouchables

Films about Bromance have begun to dominate the box office in recent years. While they are usually comedies about stoners staring Jason Segel/Paul Rudd/Seth Rogen etc, I've decided here to use the term lightly in order to award Best Bromance to the film that best portrays male friendship. Therefore, it goes to The Master. I've sung its praises in our BAFTA Predictions post so I won't do it again, but the way that the film explores a friendship that almost boarders on unhealthy obsession and devotion is endlessly fascinating. May I also just note that the obvious winner for this award, Ted, is absent because, despite what the rest of the population think, I consider it a puerile and generally awful mess of a film. End of story. 

Best Soundtrack
Django Unchained
Moonrise Kingdom
Rust and Bone
Beasts of the Southern Wild
Seven Psychopaths

If it had been any other year, and any other Wes Anderson film, then he would've got this award, hands down. But alas, compared to the sixties-filled extravaganzas of The Royal Tenenbaums and Rushmore, Moonrise Kingdom falls a little short, despite being one of my favourite Anderson films. So Django is a worthy choice. From start to finish, it is filled with catchy and joyously anachronistic songs, and has already become an album that I'm addicted to. Props also have to go to Rust and Bone's Bon Iver-fest, Beasts of the Southern Wild's beautiful and moving score, and Seven Psychopaths mixture of 60's soul and my all-time favourite song by The Walkmen. 

Most Irritating Character
Broomhilda VonShaft - Django Unchained
Cosette - Les Miserables
Every Tom Hanks character in Cloud Atlas
Debbie - This Is 40
Dan - I Give It A Year

You have no idea how awful it makes me, having to be horrible about a black female protagonist in a Hollywood film, but it has to be done. Broomhilda is an awful character, and it honestly baffles me that she comes from the same man to create Beatrice Kiddo and Jackie Brown. While I understand that she may just be fulfilling the duty of a woman in a Western, to me Broomhilda is essentially Django's Manic Pixie Dreamgirl - she is simply there to help him along his spiritual and physical journey. Washington's portrayal of her doesn't exactly help, as all she does is look scared and scream. Anyway, lets move along as I'm getting really annoyed now. I don't think I'll even begin to describe the ways in which each character on this list has annoyed me, as we'll be here all day. 

Best Screen Chemistry
Marion Cotillard and Mattias Schoenaerts - Rust and Bone
Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence - Silver Linings Playbook
Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Emily Blunt - Looper
Jared Gilman and Kara Hayward - Moonrise Kingdom

I decided to avoid the easy option here and go for Silver Linings as, while it's undeniable that Cooper and Lawrence do have good chemistry, it's a little schmaltzy for my liking. Cotillard and Schoenarts pairing seems better as they are completely engaging and believable as two people attracted to each other, despite the unusual circumstances of the film. Kudos also has to be given to Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Emily Blunt, as the pre and post-coital scenes they share together are simply electrifying. 

Best Effort
Leonardo Dicaprio - Django Unchained (and, inevitably, The Great Gatsby)

Oh Leo, it happened again, didn't it? Despite your method acting - even going as far to smash open a glass and rub your blood on Kerry Washington's face - you still missed out on all the awards. God knows how much he hates Christoph Waltz right now - first he stars in a film with Kate Winslet, then he steals his Best Supporting nomination. Just remember Leo, even if the Academy don't love you, we still do.

Grace Barber-Plentie